Self-Harvesting Trees

Tad Troilo This hybrid combining a Douglas fir, Venus Flytrap and chainsaw develops just one long and pliable branch that resembles an arm. Once the trunk attains the desired height and width, a flower on the end of the arm develops into a fully functional chainsaw and proceeds to chop itself down.

Not only does this hybrid save substantially on harvesting costs, it also revitalized the lumber industry by putting the Green Movement into a philosophical headlock from which it couldn't escape. After all, if a tree chops itself down, who are we to protest?

Joe Smith, Managerial Consultant and Motivational Speaker

Joe's career began when the Great Recession of 2008-09 left him with hours on his hands as he tended the contractor counter at his family's lumberyard. He passed the idle time researching every major management theory, attending hundreds of online seminars, reading thousands of books, and processing even more reports. From this exhaustive work he compiled the "Joe Smith Unified Theory of Lumber Business Management."

As the recession came to an end, he put his theory into practice at his family lumberyard and the results were spectacular. At his parents' urging, he put his theory into writing and the resulting book became an overnight sensation, transforming the lumber industry.

With Joe's permission, we reprint the book in its entirety here:

"Buy low. Sell high."

Joe went on to deliver a series of influential (and short) seminars throughout the country on a variety of subjects, including. customer service ("Be nice to your customers."), cost management ("Turn out the lights when you leave.") and child rearing ("Make them eat their vegetables.").

The Idiot Spotter

A combination of advanced genetic analysis and psychological profiling yielded this incredibly accurate and aptly named device. The Idiot Spotter was created to screen candidates for the 2016 presidential race, but the Supreme Court ruled that use unconstitutional, citing America's long tradition of electing idiots. Undeterred, Idiot Spotter's developers began promoting their invention to hiring officers at building material dealerships. Managers embraced the easy-to-use scanner, which could spot an Idiot every time, regardless of how good a resume he had.

There was one side effect: the consulting industry was wiped out.

The Home-Mega-Super-Mart

Spurred by a combination of financiers' refusal to buy the Idiot Spotter, excess petrodollars, and the continued belief that getting bigger only makes you better, a team of entrepeneurs who had never picked up a hammer in their lives managed by 2027 to combine every major home chain into one company: the Home-Mega-Super-Mart (HMSM).

Once global consolidation was complete, in an effort to continue sales growth HMSM pushed the envelope of retail store design by launching a series of bigger and bigger stores, culminating in a new location that, with parking, covered every inch of Aruba.

The first signs of trouble came after the inventory was stocked. The 162 cargo ships' worth of lumber, hardware, appliances and tools, including 22 ships' worth of 5/8"x50' vinyl hose for the grand opening, strained the sandy foundation of the tropical island.

But 4.8 billion advertising circulars had already been sent out, so management decided the show must go on. Opening day brought in 225 million shoppers arriving by cruise liner, seaplane and parachute, adding enough weight to sink the island. HMSM itself then sank under the weight of litigation.

With HMSM gone, by 2029 most LBM sales again were made at "mom and pop" single-store operations.